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| Is a pencil mightier than a nuke? |
We all know (okay, a bunch of us know) that the codes required to confirm launch authority are kept nearby the president in a fancy, secured, satchel (also known as the football), held at all times by a military officer. The president has in his pocket a plastic card (sometimes referred to as the “biscuit”, or, in Trump’s case, the “cheeseburger”…oh, wait, that’s a real cheeseburger in one pocket, the biscuit is in the other pocket). Various codes needed to verify the launch order’s authenticity are on the biscuit, and the SECDEF must also sign off on the order. So, theoretically, DJT can’t just pick up the phone, or hit a red button (note: the red button on his desk is so he can order a new can of Coke) and send a flurry of nukes into the Failing New York Times, CNN’s studios, or into Robert Mueller III’s and Rod Rosenstein’s houses.
Now, I don’t know what codes are on the "biscuit,” or what exactly the challenge-and-response protocols are, but I do think it’s important to make absolutely sure Trump cannot possibly—ever, in fact—be successful in launching the nation’s nukes. So, I’ve come up with a very simple challenge-and-respond protocol to assure the American people that should the current president go even more wackadoodle than he already is, he will never be able to send a hydrogen bomb into the Washington Post building or, perhaps, onto that pesky island territory we know as Puerto Rico, but which president Trump refers to as “that SAD place surrounded by lots and lots of water where sometimes people die of old age.”
Here’s how the new challenge-and-response scenario would play out should the president call for the nuclear football.
DJT: “Hey, you with that football thing, get into my office.”
Military officer enters the Oval Office
DJT: “I want to nuke NATO.”
Officer: “Sir, they are our allies!” (gets on his phone, calls Secretary Mattis)
DJT: “I don’t give a s...t. They are not paying their bills, and it’s time to send them a little message, like we used to do to reluctant contractors in New York, but instead of breaking their knees, we’ll take out a few of their cities.”
Officer: “Sir, I don’t think…..”
DJT: “You’re not paid to think! That’s for me and Sanders and Giuliani, and they agree with me on this.”
(Secretary of Defense Mattis rushes into the Oval Office)
SECDEF Mattis: “Mr. President, what the hell are you doing?”
DJT: “Listen, Mattis, I want to send a few nukes into London, Brussels, Berlin, Paris, and whatever the hell the capital of Canada is. We’ve got to make that bunch of pussies pay up…and then I can use the money for my wall.”
Mattis: “Mr. President, you can’t send missiles and bombers to blow up NATO!”
DJT: “Oh yes I can, and I’ve got the codes right here (pulls out the cheeseburger…realizes his mistake, takes a bite, and then pulls out the biscuit).
(Military officer with the football is sweating profusely)
Mattis: “Mr. President, you realize that there is a new challenge-and-response protocol in place now? You’re going to have to be able to respond to certain questions that are in the satchel before you can get the proper launch codes.”
DJT: “What! Who the hell made that change?”
Mattis: “Well, it was Melania’s idea at first, but Pence, Sessions, McConnell, Ryan, Schumer and Pelosi all signed off on it. After that, we got upvotes from CIA, NSA, DIA, and all the rest pretty quickly. I believe Ivanka is onboard too.”
DJT: (speechless, seething, and growing redder by the second)
Mattis: “Anyway, sir, if you want to start firing off nukes, you’re going to have to use the new protocol.”
DJT (to officer with the satchel): “Open the damn thing up!”
Officer (fingers trembling) unlocks the satchel, pulls out 12 manila folders, each one numbered on the cover, and each one containing several pages of paper, and hands them to Mattis.
Mattis spreads the folders out on the Resolute Desk, and ushers the president to his chair, and then hands him a Number 2 pencil.
DJT: “What the f… is this, Mattis?” Where are the damn codes?”
Mattis: “Mr. President, before you are a dozen numbered folders. On your biscuit, are four numbers, chosen at random every morning. Using the numbers on the biscuit, you select the same numbered folders.”
DJT: “Are you f…ing kidding me, Mattis?”
Mattis: “Most certainly not, Mr. President. Launching nuclear weapons is serious business. We just need to be sure your access to the final codes reflects your mental fitness to give the order. Please tell me what's on the biscuit."
DJT (resigned, looks at his biscuit): “Okay, okay…the numbers are 2, 5, 8 and 11.”
Mattis shuffles through the folders, and pulls out folders 2, 5, 8, and 11, and gives them to the president
Mattis: “Mr. President, please look at the tabs on each folder.”
DJT (looking at the tabs): “What the…..!”
Mattis: “Mr. President, please read what appears on each tab.”
DJT: “Mattis, this is insane!”
Mattis: “Mr. President, please read the tabs.”
DJT: “History, Earth Sciences, Geometry, Essay.”
Mattis (looking at his watch: “Excellent, Mr. President. You now have 20 minutes to correctly answer the 25 questions in history, earth sciences, and geometry, and then 10 more minutes to write a 250-word essay on the Bill of Rights, using words of more than two syllables and correctly spelling all of them. You must score 100-percent on the questions, and an A+ on the essay to receive the launch codes. By the way, your essay will be scored by Bob Woodward. Using only your Number 2 pencil, you may begin.”
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